For weeks I’ve been trying to write. Thank God for computers; if not I would have had waste baskets overflowing with discarded sheets of notebook paper. Writing (as well as cooking) is sort of therapeutic for me , so whenever I leave it pending for too long, my mind literally gets bogged down with stuff I can’t say. So let me just give major highlights of the past week…
I got good news: a new job, and a cool one at that, triple-yippie-yayy! Yes, yes, thank you! 🙂 It was almost unbelievable, and being a mushy-on-the-inside kinda girl, I cried! I was so happy and so was everyone. However it turned out to be mixed emotions as I realized I’ll miss my colleagues (who also want “cooler” jobs). For that reason celebrations are not yet in order, ahem… (can’t blame me, I’m that considerate!)
I also got another bit of good news, even though I took it badly. A good friend of mine got married a few months ago, and even though we had been communicating, he failed to tell me he was getting married to some fun looking, gorgeous lady! I mean, I was happy and all that, but how could he not tell me?!? I felt he took our years of friendship for granted – no, he forgot our friendship. I was hurt. He actually convinced himself that he told me about it during our sparse Facebook conversations. He however apologized and we have decided to pick up from where we left, albeit he with a damsel on his arm and me with… well we’ll get to that soon!
Which brings me to the stuff I wanted to talk about, but cant really get off on ‘paper’: Moving on and the value of friendship.
Most of my life I watched my friends leave town, either for school or work or something much better or greener out there. I was always happy for them and proud to say that I had this friend who was a big shot with a big company, this hot celebrity, or an academic guru. I got so used to being left behind that it was never a big deal. It was hard to keep in touch, that was a fact, but I still held on to the memories that made us unique friends and knew that someday we would make up for lost time.
Eventually I had to leave home. That wasn’t so hard, because I felt there was nothing there left for me – well, except my family and a few good friends who I love and still miss a lot.
On the other hand, I realized that friendships can be as one-sided as any other (romantic) relationship. Two friends could just be friends, but one can value the connection more than the other, and may attach more value to every word or every reciprocal act performed during the friendship. It should account for why some friends take things too personal and get hurt easily when things go wrong, and the other friend is like “c’mon, why are you so sensitive?”
I think I attached too much value on relationships, because when some of them moved on and “forgot” me, I was deeply hurt. I felt like I was pursuing something that (to them) no longer existed. I would text, ping, mail and facebook all in the name of maintaining our bond. I would still brag that this big shot, celebrity or academic guru was a friend, even though deep down I wondered if that person still regarded me as one. All these thoughts came back when I found out about my friend’s wedding. Maybe I valued them more than they did me, but why would they do that? Am I being too sentimental, or is it just life playing itself out?
Right now my colleagues are counting down for me, and telling me not to forget them (imagine). After a year my introvertedness gave way to an open and loving relationship, which I value (more or less? I don’t know). Its my turn to look back and wave, and even though I hardly ever cry at goodbyes (that’s Kemen’s job, teehee!) I find it harder to swallow words as the big day approaches. I know exactly what it feels to be left behind, and forgotten…