Am I too Self Absorbed?

How do you explain not being able to write because you feel your posts are not good enough, or do not exactly explain how you exactly feel?

For weeks now I have starred at my screen almost everyday, willing myself to write. I have lots of posts of unfinished stories, experiences and poems. I would start and then either get stuck or just not like the post at all. Nothing seemed post worthy. At some point in time guilt set in – getting weekly notifications from good ol’ WordPress, trying to encourage and inspire me to write, and not being able to meet up with the goal.  Then detachment came. I refused to care. Save for a select few who I’m sure wouldn’t notice my absence, Who else was reading the posts? This detachment even applied to reading other blogs – I have tons of unread posts from my favourite blogs 😦

 

NaPoWriMo came and passed. So did my birthday. And Nigeria’s rise to limelight with Boko Haram and the abducted Chibok school girls.  Those were just the major events. I had very strong feelings about some of these things and even had my own opinions to give but why couldn’t I just get them out?  I wanted a post where you could see it just like I saw it, and feel it just like I did… maybe a bit more. I wanted that umph, but the more I chased it, the more I got stuck.  It was like I was in quicksand.

This angered me. Yes. I became highly annoyed with myself.

While talking with a friend about this, I began to feel that I was probably too consumed with trying to chronicle every event, scene by scene, – as well as my feelings – in vivid color. Did I by concentrating on events, cease to live and then just exist?  Maybe by being an observer I failed to become a partaker, which was necessary.  If I did not feel anything first, how else was I supposed to describe it?  Maybe by doing that, I was missing the mark.

At the same time I thought, but writers, singers – artistes in general – have to look inward in order to be able to express themselves in a way that others can connect. Is there a word for that? Isn’t that self-absorption on a mild level? Maybe that is where I am now.  The phase of looking inward.  The problem is that I am stuck there.  Or was, now that I am finally able to write something, as feeble as it is.  I don’t know.

I’ve missed writing badly.  I’ve felt words gnawing and chewing at my insides so much that they hurt and made me miserable.  I can only hope I can get past this self-absorbed state (or whatever it is) so I can move on with life.

 

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8 thoughts on “Am I too Self Absorbed?

  1. Am probably the most self absorbed person ever,most times,I refuse to express myself as I feel nobody will understand what am trying to say,have even prayed and asked God why am so ‘diFferent’ and never seem to ‘fit’ in a lot of places,I just mostly keep me and my words to myself,’God forbid’ that I try to express me and people just think its the ranting of an unintelligent and dumb person(a bit much,I know,but its how I feel).I have come to overtime term it as the need to get the approval of others and fear of not getting it so you would rather just withdraw into one self and not risk rejection.its a battle sometimes,have won a little by accepting me and not try to over analyse Me.

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    1. Well Bhummie if you read the other comments you will find out that being self absorbed is actually quite common, and you are not alone. You will be surprised to know how many people think the same way you do when you open up :).
      There is a difference between being reserved because you want to, and being reserved because you fear rejection. The fact that you accept yourself for who you are is enough reason to say what is on your mind. Those who accept you for you who are will not leave.. Who knows, we may have a leader inside of you so fear not!

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  2. I think such are the dilemmas of anyone who loves to write. I deal with similar feelings from time to time, though at the moment I have school to keep me preoccupied. On the one hand, we want to capture what we see and hear and feel but on the other, there is the desire to do so in a way that would also capture people’s attention and be a good piece of writing in general. It’s a never-ending process/struggle so at the very least, you are definitely not alone in feeling this. I do think that creative people have to be, on some level, a little self-absorbed (despite the negative connotations it comes with). Otherwise, how would we create anything in the first place? Don’t overthink things and just process the feelings as they come. I’m sure you’ll come out of this slump soon. 🙂

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    1. Exactly, Lillian! Phew, I feel better now, really :D. I was actually feeling guilty about it, and I feared that it would show that I was being detached. I think the balance is to try to enjoy the experience while my senses are at work, so that I don’t lose both ways. Thanks! 🙂

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  3. I feel exactly the same way. There are a million things that I could write about but I start and stop for some reason and lose motivation. Reading this felt like I was talking to myself. It will not last forever. You will find something to write about and when you do, I’ll definitely read it. It’s just one of those periods that you’ll go through.

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    1. It feels good to know that I am not alone in this, and that you understand what I’m talking about! Thanks for reading the posts too, as crappy (or not) as I feel they are. Can’t wait for the dry spells to pass!

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  4. I know how you feel because I’ve been there. This has been my writing motto for years: just start and inspiration will find you.

    This piece shows you’re already on the way. Hang in there.

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