Déjà vu

 

 

noun

dé·​jà vu| \ ˌdā-ˌzhä-ˈvü  , -ˈvᵫ  \

Definition:

1a: the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time

 

b: a feeling that one has seen or heard something before

 

2: something overly or unpleasantly familiar

 

 

She was sure that she was here before.  She remembers the panic, her heart beating so fast she could hardly breathe, the out-of-body experience she was currently having, feeling like she was in a movie, feeling like her true self was just a few meters above, watching everything with 360 vision.  Although it felt the same, she knew it was different. This time it was 10 years later, in a different state and the war was with an invisible enemy. 

 

 

She didn’t want to leave the house this morning, even though she knew she had to.  The curfew was to begin at 11pm and she could feel the panic like a frog in her throat which she had to keep swallowing to clear her airways.  She’d woken up in the morning, gotten ready and just sat down on the steps, mustering the strength and the energy to go out. She had to admit to herself that she was afraid.

 

She was scared that this would be the last time she’d be out for a while, and who knew what would happen even after then? What if the time would be extended? Flashbacks of a similar, sinister curfew enforced 19 years ago due to the Boko Haram religious crisis resurfaced.  She remembered silence so thick save for echoes of shooting guns, sirens and the fear of the unknown so great that she was almost certain she would go mad.  But she didn’t go mad and that meant she was stronger than she thought, she thought.  Armed with that reassurance, she stepped out of her house.

 

People were frantically buying.  Shelves were empty of essential items (toilet tissue wasn’t one of them, she thankfully observed).  The queues were long and people were shouting at the security guard – who at this point wasn’t checking temperatures anymore – to squirt more sanitizer into their palms.  A man stood staring at the beer brands, probably thinking which was worth his hard-earned money and strong enough to drown his fears.  She sympathized with him for a moment before making her third trip around the isles to make sure she didn’t forget anything. Watching the chaos going on inside the shop was causing the panic to rise again, but she gently scratched at her chest and took deep breaths

Inhale…2..3..4..Exhale…2..3..4.. She muttered words of assurance under her breath as she walked out of the supermarket into the scorching sun.

 

 

The traffic was thick and slow but she was in no hurry, she wanted to stay outside for as long as she could, because quarantine.  Each hour before 11pm felt slightly dreadful as her overactive mind dutifully rang a count down – Big Ben style – for her. Thoughts of the dreadful movie “purge” came to mind.  This situation was far from it but considering that there was something out there, literally trying to kill you, made it feel similar.  Everyone out here – including herself, was a potential threat.  

  

At home, she decided she’d sleep early, just like she did on airplanes before the flights took off.  It made her less anxious and actually prevented annoying blocked eardrums and headaches.  Maybe if she slept through this, she’d avoid the looming sense of fear that she may not be able to survive quarantine alone.  She wanted to flex her mental muscle, to be sure she wasn’t the same person that she was years ago: younger, desperate, foolish, naive and to be more forgiving, without social media to release some steam.  She wanted to go into this to emerge on the other side better, stronger and wiser, not just for herself but for those who she loved. 

 

Covid19 brought back memories of panic, fear, anxiety and worry… feelings she knew all too well, but was better prepared for.  This time, she knew what to do when the waves came. She was ready to fight.  

 

 

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind – 2 Timothy 1:7